Elidia's Songbook
(Various Poems and Songs I have written for use in Threshold.)

Last modified January 5, 2004.

Awaitin' a Sail
Barick's Balls
Be Wary
Beggar Psion
Bollick's Folly
Bouncy Drunk Gnomies
Common Man
Cowardly Thief
Daenon's Valor
Fall of the Defiler
Fishing Woes
Holy Cow!
Ickery Anarch

Making an Elder
Mayor Slayer
On the Subject of Flying
Orc Hunt
Putting on Airs
The Saga of Me, Part One
Song of the Littlist Fighter
Image drawn by Darrel C. Smith
Click on the image above to see his gallery!


Awaitin' a Sail

Where, oh where have the sailors gone?
Oh where can that cutter be?
I've been waiting here since the break of dawn
and Not a ship do I see!

Where, oh where do the sailors go
When they're not fighting a squall?
I never see'm in GG or J4
They're never here when I call!

How many times have you gone to the docks
And waited all day for a trip?
Why can't we have a master who
will keep his hands on his ship?


Barick's Balls

Deepchill 14th in Two Twenty-eight
Was a day we'll remember a while
The day when the very Aether declared:
"Go kick Barick's arse in style!"

Folks scurried hither and yon to get in a kick
as the Gods tossed him hither and yon.
And we heard the suggestion called from above
"A snot-suit would look quite well on."

Then did I run to start in with the shower
raining snot on the fool from above,
Then ran back down to the center of town
to see the effect of this love.

What kind of fool dares defy the Gods
To their face, in front of all?
"What happened to your brains, dear cat?
Did they slice'm off shaving your balls?"

And then he lobbed missiles at my head
and died with the guillotine's snick.
Thank the Aether they chose to deliver us
from fools like that magecat Barick!


Beggar Psion
A song about Elemire

There once was in Sable a cheap little psion
who made it his habit to beg around town
He did it so much, built up quite a reputation
So listen and hear how his tricks would go down

Guildmaster Xar happened once 'pon young Beggar
in the bank, where apprentice asked master for money,
"I fell asleep in the wrong place and dropped all I had."
This happens, we've all been there; it's not very funny.

Master Psion pointed out that they stood in the bank
thus he could withdraw from his account what he would
Beggar answered his account was quite barren
This happens to all of us, too, or it could

But Beggar was lying, and Psion masters know things
like when their apprentices are lyin' to their face
And Master then quoted to our friend Beggar Psion
The full five orb sum he had as his account base

Then there was the time that the Hammer of Tempest
was auctioning whips off in Chains, Chains Galore!
Beggar Psion asked for one with a five orb pricetag
then handed three danar, then 197 more

He said he'd return with the rest of the money
scooted off to the bank, and was back instantly
Handed Hammer 3 danar and swore it was the full sum
But how 203 danar's 5 orb is psion math beyond me!

How does one cross silvery sheen for platinum orb shine?
Was Beggar just stalling, so Horsa'd pay his bill?
Finally, he coughed up the orb with an "OOPS!" and a "sorry"
Leaving Horsa, "I must apologise, he is but young still"

Beggar Psion was always whining over the Mind
"Temper something for -me-", always aggrivating
"Anyone want to help with getting -me- this"
Until all his guild mates dreaded his waking

One fine Sojourn eve, he dared to kick Emi,
A kick to the chest, hoping damage to cause
Emirikol wasted no time in replying
He squashed Beggar Psion to cheers and applause

This is the point where I give you the moral:
Be careful about the reputation you build
For if you go on like our friend Beggar Psion
You'll find the whole realm wants you killed!


Be Wary, Child
A song for Slythe and Wyden

Be wary o' the Ogre-lugs that roam the grassy plain.
Be wary o' their crushing clubs, those are a leathal pain!
Be wary o' the fearsome Crocs when you go hunt alone.
N' be wary o' their fearsome teeth, they'll chew you to the bone!

Be wary o' the Bandits, who can take all that ye got.
Be wary o' them in the woods where they do lurk a lot!
Be wary, child, of all o' these, "Survive" the Golden Rule,
But know you that the worst o' all is to survive a Fool!

Be wary of the Gethite priests, who fling the flaming 'corn!
Be wary of it's fiery arc, or your face it may burn.
Now if you've flaming 'corns to throw, be sure your aim is true
And make damn sure that when you fling, you don't follow it in, too!


Bollick's Folly

I know we should not jeer the dead
Or where some folks lay down their bed
But Mortis' rule is full of fools
And I should know, I've seen them go!

I met a young dwarf in the middle of town
To solve a riddle he would go down
Again and again of his deaths would I hear
Surely not all dwarves are such a pain in the rear?

He'd been attacked by wild boars, he said
And begged for a bowl to cover his head.
A shortsword I happened to have to lend
He ran straight back to find Mortis again.

Then the badger did render poor Bollick to shreds
And his whole concern was replacing his threads
so again and again he would go back for more
Until even his closest of friends lost the score

I know we should not jeer the dead
Or where some folks lay down their bed
But Mortis' rule is full of fools
And I should know, I've seen them go!


Bouncy Drunk Gnomies
A drinking tune commissioned by Quisallin

At Three foot and nine and Ninety-nine pounds
We may not appear to be high off the ground,
But I promise you this, what we lack in our height
we make up in drinking and bouncing all night!

Surrender or die! That is our cry!
Give up your ale and don't you dare sigh!
We'll polish your gems in a blink of an eye
If you promise to not let our throats go dry!

We are all gnomes of great renound.
We drink our ale and bounce around.
Those boring old sots who'd keep us dry,
We'll prank'm until they surrender or die!

[repeat Chorus]

Give us yer armor, give us yer gems!
We tinker while drinkin' and tinkerin' mends
We'll give ya some wings or a spike you can try
Just don't ever let our throats go dry!

[repeat Chorus]


Common Man
A drinking song

I've never been a justicar
I've never been a mage
I've never changed the minds of men
As I am not a sage

Here, here, to the common man I am
I raise a toast to my health
And as for him who'll not drink with me
Let's charge it to him and his wealth!

I've never been to foreign docks
I'm sure they're all the same
In all the tales the bards will tell
You'll never hear my name!

Here, here, to the common man I am
I raise a toast to my health
And as for him who'll not drink with me
I'll charge it to him and his wealth!


Cowardly Thief
A Song for Durgi

The wee little coward hid in his wee corner
To wait 'til an easy victim entered the hall
"I'm not going to risk my hide for the coin, though,
I'll just grab the body of his foe as it falls."

His ears they would perk, his slitted eyes shone.
He would think "Easy coin for no work on my part!"
He'd fondly recalled how he'd snapped up his loot
At STEA events where he'd practiced his art.

"I know what I'll do with my ill-gotten coin!
I'll pay off my fiend friends to go slit their throats!
By heaping up bounties on paragon heads
Then they get the hassle, and I get to gloat!"

It's been a few years since I saw our young friend
Nursing a stub where his finger had been
Last time I checked, he'd moved well on his path
"In Twilight 237, slain by Divine Wrath"

Even that punishment didn't impress our friend
He murdered a Vivorian, he looted her mates
And then, chased by churchmates and her angry spouse
He hid in a jail cell lest he meet the same fate

He threatened his Overlord in arrogant pride
Got kicked out of his Clan. So low was his fall.
Where could his decapitated head now reside?
Surrounded by Swirling Blades up on the wall.


Daenon's Valor
(or how a one-eyed ranger saved the day)

In the time after Kleiborn's second visit to Sable
In the days that came after the Gods spoke as One
That most holy time the United Voices of th'Aether
returned Marriage Rites, demanding respect for the bond.

Two fools violated the marriage vow's sanctity,
Indeed even their pledges to their Ethos Lord
Despite leaning one good and one evil, they married
An outrage! An affront to all of the Gods!

Lord Bilanx cast out the offenders from his sight,
declaring ALL GODS looked at them with disfavor.
To see that they atoned for thier hineous presumptions
Malvolio was ordered to punish them further

Some time thereafter the two fools were slaughtered,
throughout history nameless they'll always remain!
The clerics were punished, and stripped of their powers
They kneeled and prayed mercy, but no repite came

Lord Bilanx proclaimed: "Your kneeling is meaningless
compared to the gross disobedience I have witnessed."
For this grave affront, in an ensuing invasion
The Gods *kept* us on their Aethereal shitlist.

Folk cried out in anguish, begging for mercy
Calling all people to kneel and repent
But how could we leave the city unprotected?
So many dismissed this call penitant

In the fray of the battle, one ranger with wisdom
Knew the Aether would honor repentant sacrifice
He offered to give up the one thing that meant more to him
Than his honor, his pride, or even his own life.

The God-given gift, treasured for generations
His own blessed sword, the great Silverthorn
If only the Aether would return Sable Their favor
Farstrider would give up the prize so long worn

The Gods, knowing Farstrider's soul, then relented
And granted Their blessings. The invaders turned tail
And fled from the city, Gods favoring the defenders
Their advantage was over, they could not prevail

Farstrider attempted his blade to surrender
But Erosia stayed his hand, telling him Nay
To keep Silverthorn as he no doubt would need it
defending the realm, keeping invaders at bay

And thus it was during the days not so ancient
that One willing soul saved the city from fall.
Remember, the Gods' gifts are blessings, not owed us
To Gods be the glory, and thanks from us all


Fall of the Defiler
A song about Kem, commissioned by Romrock

In the crisp Cuspis morning, in the year 254,
Two Crimson-Eyed Blue Hawks arose to take flight
Redbeard arose from his bed to the new dawn,
Faithful Uglakaa soon appeared in his sight

She'd brought him a breakfast, in grand dwarven style
Arms loaded with foodstuffs that would burst one less stout.
And as the two emerged into day and headed toward town
They noticed Defiler Kem lurking about.

Rushing past Doda's, our lovers decided
To head in to Sable for Redbeard's best gear
Panting for breath, then running still onward,
Kem seemed a third, constant pain to the rear

More following than joining, he harried the good dwarves
Footstep for footstep up to Sable's gate
Redbeard dashed to the Castle for his things
Then back to his Love, who did faithfully wait.

As She and He stood there on Regency roadway
Kem came up to them, and mounted his attack
A rush with his shield countered Kem's countless daggers
And Ruby Broadsword slashed as Kem blew his horn back

At first, our dwarf thought it might be but a sick joke,
And tried to run off, but Kem kept right in tow.
So Redbeard then put his whole heart to the battle
And focused on the task, striking blow after blow.

Fearing the onslaught, Kem took to his heels,
But again and again was unable to flee.
From Regency Row north and up t'ward the Griffon,
Just north of the tavern, came the end of melee.

One last wicked crunch of the Ruby Red Broadsword
Felled Kem the Defiler just like a dead tree
By the time Fynn and Gascoigne had heard and come running,
There remained but a dead Geth, caught in treachery.


Fishing Woes

Wielding my dark black and flexible pole
I string up and tie on my hook with a grin.
I'm going to bring home a fish or My soul!
I'll never go fishing again!

Using both arms or my shoulder rotation
I send my line soaring to land with a plink!
A sixty foot cast may gain me an ovation,
But then I must reel it again through the drink.

Why, little fishies, won't you just take a bite?
I've been on this dock for a day and a night
And Soon my poor sundress will be quite a fright
But I'm not going home without one decent fight!

Again and again, I send out one more pass
And suddenly, I've hooked a fish! YIPPEE!!!!!!
Thrashing about, it looks like a bass!
Who knows? Maybe this time I'll harvest the sea!

This frisky wee sea bass pulls hard on my rod;
He's really quite strong and energetic right now.
I let out some slack so he'll wear out his bod
And now I can wipe the sweat from my brow.

But then, as I'm steadily reeling it in
there's a sudden, sharp jerk--it's a sign!
He's slipped free! ACK! And if that wasn't enough,
the little wet bastard has snapped my line!

So I'll say that my fishie was big as a bear
Because everyone knows it's a fisherman's sin.
Next time I'll just buy me a catch, and I swear
I'll never go fishing again!


Holy Cow!
A Song for Xian's familiar

Xian's orb hit Haru
Haru then punched Xian,
who then cried out for his cow--
A mad attack beast, with big purple eyes--
The cow that shat upon Haru!

It's Mookers, it's Mookers!
Stay well away or you'll eep!
It's Mookers, it's Mookers!
Watch out! You'll be wading knee-deep!

Now showered in dung
The cow wasn't done...
She turned and gave Haru a kick!
Haru's plate did dent, as underhoof he went
And Mookers did trample poor Haru!

It's Mookers, it's Mookers!
Stay well away or you'll eep!
It's Mookers, it's Mookers!
Watch out! You'll be wading knee-deep!


Ickery Anarch
A song for Malvolio

One-ery, two-ery, Ickery Ann
Beat up th' Shrine monks as fast as ya can
Weavy, squeavy, squaavy, sqoavy,
Sic'm with yer serpent, loath-y.

I'm a mighty Hegemon, run in fear ya punk!
I'm so rough and ready, I can always down my monk!
They may not be horrors or giants, but they're easy to defeat
Besides, my serpent's hungry and he's hankerin' for meat

[repeat Chorus]

He's in there nearly every day, bloodying the walls.
So if you ever find the time to pass the Sacred Halls
Be mindful where you step and keep your eyes upon the floor;
You wouldn't want to slip in all th' Anarch's bloody gore.

[repeat Chorus]


Making an Elder

The foolish apprentices gathered around
Deciding they had a meeting to call
They had important issues to sound
And debate in the Mage's Guild Hall

"How does one make an elder?" a few of them talked.
"Do you start with a spell or a gem?"
"Perhaps there's a potion that we can concoct
And then drink to make us like them!"

"I think we can start emptying into a jug
All the blood you can squeeze from a turnip."
"Or tears of remorse from a murderous thug!"
"Or a bit of an honest Gethsemanite's lip!"

"And then you add coin!" said another young power.
"Lots of orbs, crowns and danars that gleam
It'll cut down a lot on the simmering hours
While never endang'ring your dream."

But then did a Master awake from his slumber,
and set them to tasks, tearing meeting asunder.


Mayor Slayer

Sissypussy went to Kelnore on a Hoarfest morning
With his trusty Malady to murder without warning

Sissypussy sneakin' up
Hit and run disaster
If he has an audience
He'll run off even faster

Sissypussy was a wimp who beat up on the weaker
Picking foes he knew quite well were positively meeker

[repeat Chorus]

Malady leaves quite a mark, you'd think it rather witless
When you're fighting city hall, to leave behind a witness

[repeat Chorus]


On the Subject of Flying
First Runner-Up at King Borgia's Improvisation Poetry Contest, Seranus 25, 244

Did you ever wish that you could fly
On golden wing though pale blue sky?
More likely, knowing my lack of luck,
I'd find myself by lightning struck.

Or after soaring over vale and hill,
find myself chained to mage's will.
Oh, I know one way I could fly!
Where, where is Hamdob? Let me try!

No. I'm not flying. I'm instead
here with spirits hovering overhead.
Lady Vivoria? Was it much of a strain?
I promise I won't let him fling me again!


Orc Hunt

Over and over, north and east, then south and west again.
Trudging the meadow from end to end, and side to side, and then,
I think to myself, where could they be? Will they hide away all day?
For I've seen no hide nor shadow or move to show that they want to play.

Oh orcies, you damn ugly orcies... come out and dance with me!
Oh orcies, you damn ugly orcies... come out and we will see!
Oh orcies, you damn ugly orcies... do bring you danar along!
Your fists may fly, but down you'll die as you come to dance my song!

Finally, now as the stench hits my nose, I know I'm not alone,
But why do they come to join my dance when they really need a soap loan?
Dancing, they say 'tis best not to dance with orcs as dumb as a board-
So tell me orc just how it feels to dance on the point o'my sword?

Oh orcies, you damn ugly orcies... come out and dance with me!
Oh orcies, you damn ugly orcies... come out and we will see!
Oh orcies, you damn ugly orcies... do bring you danar along!
Your fists may fly, but down you'll die as you come to dance my song!


Putting on Airs
Phen's Song

Phen strutted about like a dawn-crowing cock
telling all "I am the man!"
He'd boast and proclaim HE was head of the guild
'Til the real GM heard of his plan.

To say Master Riek was not quite amused
would seem quite too little to me.
And it wasn't that long 'til young Phen found himself
washed up on the shores of the sea.

So never pretend you are who you aren't
(that is, outside of a play)
Unless you like a dagger in your back
or across your throat at the end of day.


The Saga of Me, Part One

T'isn't easy to make it alone in this world
But that's how I had my start
Thrown to fend for myself in the meadows of Thrace
by a mother who hadn't a heart

Soon came the day I found myself
caught in a failed and foiled gambit
grabbed up by the scruff of my scrawny young neck
and carried home to become a Romani pet

Growing up in his tent could have been worse
The Raki was great, though the food was a joke
But in time it became quite apparant to me
I never could really fit in with the folk

Romani menfolk don't look for fur
when they chase after their mates
So I set my sights on exploring the world
and left that campsite to seek out my fate

Then came what some call that unfortunate day
When I spoke up at Lamorak's sermon
I cannot believe how ignorant I was then
Our place in existance to question

I'd like to thank Serith for taking the time
to teach this loudmouthed young stray
After that lecture, I have to admit
He all but won me to his church that day

I've since then discovered some wished me to die
for my ignorant questions that day
I'd like to take a moment now to thank
Lamorak and others who chose not to slay

Here, Here! to all who saved me my life
and gave me the time I needed to grow
For then I had not yet found a place to belong
and still had some ways to go

Sable's more inviting than home ever was
Where I can earn coin while seeking ovation
I rest with the Bards while I learn of the land
And then came the day I found true invitation

T'was on yet another of my adventuring journeys
Between seeking my coin and resting a pace
That fortunate day I stumbled my way
into Herastia's loving embrace

Her warmth was inviting, making me calm
How could I not in turn respect Her?
Once I had learned how she taught her dear son
to respect and to serve all the Aether

Out of his noble devotion did we not all gain?
King Glamis led those astray back to the path
Imagine our pathetic and shortened existance
had the Aether decided to show us their wrath

(Insert "Herastia, Our Guiding Light" here)

The time now has come to draw this to an end
So I'd like to now finish this chorus
By thanking Brennen for letting me use this field
And Yrizaria for the feast we've before us

I'd also like to thank friends Alentar and Kiri
And Zortyn, my darling, my beloved boy
Wyden, Sodre and Delta who showed me the light
And Qui, even though we are trading ethoi

But time now has come to move on from the past
And bring to an end this song I sing
The Aether moves in mysterious ways
Who knows what tomorrow may bring?


Song of the Littlist Fighter

Down in the sewers so flat
Just me and a goblin or rat
With all of my might,
I get into the fight.
I hit 'm like this just to miss'm like that.

I've been down here all day and all night.
My last torch no longer gives light.
So I run like hell,
get away from that smell
and live to come back to the fight.

Ah, but the tales that I'll tell!
Some might think a stretch isn't swell
That there's truth to be told--
but I think I'll be bold
And lie in the Griffon as well!

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